[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body