Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Would you wear it?

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.