Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.