While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
