While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
