Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”