Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Me :

All Day At Night

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

oh she’s cooked

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.