While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive