Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions