While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
They say women only use 10% of their anger
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Never forget.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.