While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
the simulation is moving too fast
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials