Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi