“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Y’all ready for this
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display