While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.