@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

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@heyitsJudeD

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

@TheCatWhisprer

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

@weismanjake

I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@MizzTangles

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

@trojansauce

GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables

@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

@Darlainky

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.