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@samalmightysam: While you're thinking what to wear, I'm thinking how to take it off.
@WeissBrandon: Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
@EddieMcSugarnut: Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn't like you.
@gossiped: i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade
@baconacid: "weed is a gateway drug"
"to what? the fridge? Hahaha"
*loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
@WarrenHolstein: Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn't tell anyone.