While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.