@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

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@LuvPug

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

@KimmyMonte

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@ADHDeanASL

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

@rzarosco

I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

@AndrewNadeau0

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

@Teowulf

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.