@samalmightysam
@heyitsJudeD
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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@heyitsJudeD
@TheCatWhisprer
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
@weismanjake
I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance
@haley_copeland
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
@MizzTangles
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
@HomeWithPeanut
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
@trojansauce
GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables
@gm_cage
My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
@dyldonot
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
@Darlainky
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.