While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!


I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.


I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance


No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.


Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.


GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables


My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..


my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be


[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.