@samalmightysam
@LuvPug
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
You Might Also Like
@LuvPug
@KimmyMonte
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
@skittle624
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
@Brampersandon_
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
@JimmerThatisAll
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
@ADHDeanASL
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
@rzarosco
I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!
@SvnSxty
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
@AndrewNadeau0
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
@Teowulf
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.