@WeissBrandon: Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.

@EddieMcSugarnut: Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn't like you.

@gossiped: i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade

@baconacid: "weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*

@WarrenHolstein: Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn't tell anyone.