Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Pizza is an emotion right?

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.