Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
You Might Also Like
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
They did not miss in the small print
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
all bases covered
Mmmmm white people
– sharks