Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please