Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

This probably isn’t good

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself