*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon