Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

😂😂

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701