Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”