*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
then why did i get this email
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”