Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest