WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.