WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!