Whisper out to librarians!
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Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
stop
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”