Whisper out to librarians!
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
A woman drives into a bar.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death