Whisper out to librarians!
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
decorating my apartment
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.