Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did