[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*