Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.