*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Snapes on a plane.