[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool