[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.