[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
This billboard speaks to me
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.