[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Autocorrect completely socks
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”