[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…