[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
wtf is an acronym
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”