[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Children of the corn 🌽
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Please do it!
That’s not how days work.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.