Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

my dad has had enough

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.