Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.