Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

spicy snake

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]