(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”