Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.