[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy