[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
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Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
San Francisco has too many rules
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I can also cook 😂
