Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”