I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
You Might Also Like
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
A classic…
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Huge, if true.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.