A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right