Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down