*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others