*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
so i’m at the stock market right
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.