*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
wishing you and yours all the best
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.