*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

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[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you



16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.


WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.


Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing


when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus


ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon


You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.


You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic


nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl