@1followernodad

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

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@AbbieEvansXO

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

@JarodNotJared

Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing

@midtownrat

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

@trevso_electric

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

@rebrafsim

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

@LameAsChris

nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl