*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
this country is so goddamn polarized
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
ok like just. call me at this point