Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.