*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.