Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

My god she’s good.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.