@CornOnTheGoblin

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

@Storminika

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

@AristotlesNZ

You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?

@HatfieldAnne

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

@PabloGSerski

Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it