[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.