“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
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Knock Knock
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
How do I get a job writing these texts
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
You had me at “define legal”.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done