“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
You Might Also Like
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
bro what is going on at twitter
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.