*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”