*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Perfect.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.